Toxic Mothers & Relationships
ARE YOU READY TO FREE YOURSELF FROM YOUR MOTHER’S TOXIC INFLUENCE?
Did you experience dysfunctional mothering as a child that continues to make you feel inadequate and unworthy of love even as an adult? Does your mother continue to make you feel oppressed or are you still living in her shadow? Are you the adult daughter – or son – of a difficult mother who made you feel that pursuing your own goals is a betrayal of her?
Perhaps you have sabotaged opportunities for personal growth because your mother made you feel worthless. Or you became super-accomplished as an act of rebellion but emotionally remain the same wounded child. Do you find yourself repeating early patterns of co-dependency, people-pleasing, or tolerance to emotional abuse in your adult relationships? Or maybe you have difficulty trusting your partner or establishing healthy boundaries with them.
Being raised by an overbearing or neglectful mother can have a devastating impact on adults, let alone children. If your mother read your journals, competed with you for your friends’ attention, or tried to live her life through you vicariously, you may have grown up guarded, ashamed, and depressed because you never had a life of your own. Or maybe you had a narcissistic mother whose constant desire to be the prettiest and most popular still challenges your sense of confidence and self-worth years later.
There are so many ways a troubled mother can fail you. As both a psychologist and a person, I know firsthand just how debilitating it can be to be raised by a toxic mother. I also know that counseling can restore your sense of wholeness and self.
I can help you get free from the toxic dynamic and make peace in your own mind, if not with her. I can also help you decide if you want to continue a relationship with your mother or go without contact for as long as you need to. With my help, you can let go of the guilt and external pressures that bind you to her so you can pursue your life with confidence on your own terms.
THERE ARE MANY REASONS WHY MOTHERS BECOME TOXIC
No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes. Fortunately, most missteps can be corrected without leaving too much of an impression on a child. However, if you were raised in a household with a troubled or psychologically impaired mother, you may just now be realizing the extent of the damage she caused.
Adding to your mother’s toxicity are two factors that cannot be underestimated: Society’s messages – myths, really – about motherhood and the transmission of psychological trauma down the generations.
Society sends implicit messages that healthy mothering should come naturally and easily. While this may be true of some mothers, it is not necessarily so. In fact, these days, the bar is set high for mothers. They should be sexually attractive for their partners, independently successful, and superhuman when it comes to raising kids. Very few women, non-toxic women, can juggle all those balls well.
For many emotionally troubled mothers, motherhood not only does not come easily, but they are unable or unwilling to love altogether. The dissonance from the mother myths, backed by our patriarchal society that tells women they are secondary to men, causes unconscious rage in these mothers, and having no place to process their anger, the rage falls on their children.
The picture is further complicated by generations of family pain that gets passed down to your great-grandmother to your grandmother and then to your mother. You can stop this legacy with the help of a good therapist.
Psychological abuse starts early – in the nonverbal stage of development – in the way your mother holds, feeds, and nurtures you. She is your first mirror and sets the core of your identity. Since a toxic mother will tend to abuse continually, insidiously, with the above pressures added, maternal emotional abuse remains the most hidden form of child maltreatment.
COUNSELING CAN HELP HEAL THE WOUNDS FROM MOTHERS WHO CAN’T LOVE
Working with a good therapist provides you with a safe, compassionate, space where you can explore your hurts and feelings without fear of judgment. It gives you access to an impartial ally who can validate your experiences and your suffering while showing you how to grieve your lost childhood and let go of the past that has set you up for this pain. Ultimately, you can learn to love yourself and prioritize your own emotional needs in a positive and fulfilling way.
I offer a tailored approach to psychotherapy that allows you to understand and reconcile your past while getting in touch with your creative, authentic self. In therapy sessions, we can explore your early family dynamics and anything that might give us insight into how the past has complicated your development as an adult. We can also work on resolving core emotional issues, relationship problems, and symptoms you may be experiencing. And, we’ll discuss your dreams and what you ultimately want for your life.
A significant step in your healing is understanding why your childhood was difficult. But I also want to help you find real solutions that will heal you internally and either repair your relationship with your mother or reconcile your memories of her. Therefore, one purpose of psychotherapy is to show you how to separate yourself from your mother so you are free to pursue your own goals and aspirations without guilt or shame. Part of that process may include learning to validate your specific experiences, cultivating a positive view of yourself, and loving your inner child. We can also work on setting healthy relationship boundaries, avoiding co-dependency, and learning how to say no.
I’ve been helping clients repair their relationships and their lost sense of self for over 25 years. And I know that there are powerful, unseen forces at work in the background of most toxic or emotionally abusive relationships involving mothers and their sons or daughters. But once you understand why your mother was adversarial, you’ll finally be able to move on, find inner peace, and even forgive if you choose. Together, we can transform your old pain into a positive force of change that will empower you with confidence, compassion, and wisdom.
Perhaps you’re considering psychotherapy but still have some concerns…
My mother is not going to change. She’ll just end up tormenting me more.
It’s not your job to change your mother; instead, the goal is to remove yourself from her toxic dynamic so you can gain perspective. And if psychotherapy creates more tension, I can work with you to be the bigger person without sacrificing your needs. Ultimately, I want to help make sure that the generational buck stops here so you can safeguard your friendships, marriage, and especially your children in ways that you were not.
I’m not sure I have the time or money for counseling.
Separating from your mother may be the most profound thing that you do in your life. After all, your mother set the stage for your identity, your sexuality, your relationships, and your basic sense of trust and safety in the world. Therapy gives you the chance to start anew, to move beyond the past and assume ownership of your life so you do not lose another day to toxic attachment. It took me many years to realize my independence and potential. But it doesn’t have to take you as long because I can target in on things very quickly. With a limited investment of time, money, and work, therapy can translate into benefits that will follow you for a lifetime.
I feel guilty for turning my back on my mother.
Guilt is the glue that can keep you stuck for years. But once you can separate from your mother, you can set your own boundaries and determine what kind of relationship you want with her. I’m not asking you to abandon anyone. I’m asking you to look at whether or not the sense of abandonment is an illusion. In most cases, it is – and you tie yourself down for naught. Psychotherapy gives you permission to advocate for yourself without guilt or shame while equipping you with skills, awareness, and compassion to do so peacefully.
You Have The Right To Be Your Own Person
Living under the thumb of your mother or in the shadow of her memory is a burden you shouldn’t have to bear. If you would like to start your journey toward healing and independence, please call me at 646-620-9940 for your free 30-minute consultation. Because of the Covid-19 emergency, for everyone’s safety, I am currently conducting all of my sessions via teletherapy.